The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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