Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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