I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Randomize
