We named our party play list daddy issues
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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