Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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