the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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