woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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