I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
