I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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