No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
