Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
