Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
