my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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