It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
