I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
