we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
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