Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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