I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
