He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
They took my balls.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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