Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
