he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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