you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
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