I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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