Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
