I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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