You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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