I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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