I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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