i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
