I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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