So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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