I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Mom said you looked used
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
