yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
My ass is underappreciated
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
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