I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
