last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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