Pants 0. Shit 1.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
