the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize