What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
