What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
