To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
