i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
