I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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