Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
