PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
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