I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
