Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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