I think scott just propositioned me for sex
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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