i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
