Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
