Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
