Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Randomize
