Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
