Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
