I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
