I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Randomize